"bring all of you hardships, heartaches, and tears. Hardships so you can see your amazing strength and grow in humility. Heartaches so you can see the amazing support and love from your friends and family and build trust in the Lord. Tears so you can truly feel the joys of life. The joys that bring so much happiness all you can do is cry in gratefulness for those moments."Well this last year certainly had plenty of that for me. I think I am still working on the humility and trust in the Lord part. It doesn't come easily, at least not on my end.
I started 2013 living at Legacy Village in Logan, Utah with these amazing women. We couldn't have all been more different. haha. But we made it work and it truly was a blessing to get to know them, become friends, and create a small home for us to turn to when life got crazy. I look back now at each face and know exactly why Heavenly Father put them in my life. Each of them helped me learn a very specific lesson and develop and nurture my trust, love, patience, and charity towards others and towards God. Plus we had some awesome Dirty 30s, tribal ski-pole fights, check-outs, and OTH marathons.
The school year continued as usual. Full of fun and parties. I love my girlfriends.
I accomplished one of my biggest goals in May. One I set when I was 10 years old. To graduate from Utah State University. I did just that and it felt so good.
I spent the summer just relaxing and having a blast with some of my dearest friends. I felt I deserved it after graduating.
Looking back at my amazing summer, I also feel like it was helping me avoid looking to the next step. I didn't really plan anything after school. I liked school. I liked my identifier being "Student at USU". No one really ever wants to completely grow up and work a 9-5 job rest of their life. No one wants to start paying back the student loans. If they do, its a lie. haha.
I think I was also avoiding the fact that I wasn't even close to my other goal, and that is being a mom. I would have never admitted that six years ago. I didn't even want that ten years ago. I know women around the world are laughing right now telling me "you are so young, the world is so big, just relax and give yourself time". I give myself that pep talk all the time. trust me, I realize that. However, I wanted to be a mom in Utah. I love that place. You see, I was also trying to push aside the feeling that I needed to move back to Ohio and possibly elsewhere after that. (You can read all about my decision to move here and here.). In a nutshell, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my 26 years of life. I still struggle with the decision today but know it was the right one and turn to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's comforting words,
“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe.”
So in August I made the move to Ohio.
The last few months of 2013 seem pretty usual. While looking for a job, I was thinking about my last one in Logan. I enjoyed my time working with families at the Child and Family Support Center in Logan, but I realized I missed teaching. I taught a program called Good Touch/Bad Touch while at the center and absolutely fell in love with it and being in the schools. I miss it tremendously! (if anyone knows of a program like it in Ohio, please let me know!) So when I moved to Ohio I got a job teaching 18 month old children at a Primrose school. I do enjoy my job but I am excited to be moving up the preschool room in a week! I can't wait to get my hands on the curriculum and working with older children.
What makes Ohio so hard is the feeling of not knowing my purpose in my life at this moment. Logan was that for me. I knew exactly what my purpose was there. I knew the exact people I was helping. I knew exactly who my friends were. I knew exactly what I needed to be doing. I like to feel needed. I like to feel like I am making a difference in the world and contributing to society in some way. I don't feel that in Ohio. I can't seem to find that I am needed here. I can't feel like I am contributing in anyway. It's going to take time for me to find it.
2014 is going to be a busy year for my family and I hope it is for me too. I can tell you right now I am going to need to find more of that trust in the Lord. I can be pretty stubborn. I am continuing on the journey of creating the best version of me. Seems like that is going to be a lifelong pursuit. I won't bore you with the "small and timely" goals I set, but I want to do everything in my power this year to help that process along. I hope I can make people proud this year. I hope I can make myself proud. I hope I can be a friend someone always needed, make a difference in someone's life this year. I hope I can allow myself to let someone to be that friend for me.
So here is to 2014! May it be a year I can be proud of. A year I make a difference. A year I allow Heavenly Father to shape me into the person He knows I can become.
I think I can handle 2014 after all. There are only 78 days till Divergent comes to theaters and 324 more days till Mockingjay. Oh and this woman is going to be my roommate!
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