On to Ohio. Again.

I have avoided this post like the plague. 

I have gone to write it, then rewrite it time and time again only to stop half way and shut off my computer.

I think that if this post really does happen, if I share to everyone what my next step is, it is actually happening. 

I don't know if I am quite ready for it yet.

But here goes, guess life just doesn't have a pause button, at least not when you want it.

*****

I am moving to Ohio.

There. I said it. Like ripping off a band-aid quickly. It has been a decision that has been long in the process and it has come time for me to follow through with it and just do it. So as of August 21st I will be back in Ohio. What a surreal feeling. When people ask me what the heck I am thinking or what has prompted this move, I honestly don't know what to tell them other than it just feels like the right step.

 Can you have two complete opposite feelings at the same time? Because I do. All the time.  

I love Utah! I love everything about this place. I love all the people I have met. I love how beautiful it is. I love the weather. I love every ward I have been in. I love how strong the church is here. I love everything you can do here. I love that I actually know how to get around. Utah is comfortable to me. Utah is safe for me. Utah is home for me. When people ask where I am moving to, I tell them, "Oh back to Ohio" or "back with my parents for a bit." Because I just can't bring myself to call Ohio home, not when I have spent so many years working to make Utah my home. 

To be honest, I am tired of moving. I have done it my whole life. I think the longest I have ever stayed in one place was eight years...that is a record! Usually only in a place for four or five years and then I am off again. So when I moved back out to Utah for school, I was determined I was going to make this place my home. Did't matter if I was married with a small family in a small town or single and working my dream job in the city, this was going to be my final stop. This was going to be where I created and nourished all my memories to come.

 Over the last few months I have received tender mercy after tender mercy leading me to Ohio though and as scared and as sad as it makes me, I feel strangely at peace with it all. I tried to make moving to Salt Lake work. I then tried to make staying in Logan work. To this day I still feel like either one is a great option and nothing bad would come of it. But I was never at peace with those decisions. I always felt anxious and nervous and so confused and out of place. The moment I realized I decided to move back to Ohio I was so calm and felt like this is going to work. Ohio is where I am needed now.

Of course I have a whole new set of nerves and anxiety setting in because I feel nervous and sad at the exact same time I feel calm and ready. I have panic attacks on a weekly basis and yet I continue to start packing, turn in my two weeks, and buy my plane ticket. That is so not normal, right? haha. I guess that is why it took me so long to accept this idea.

I know now though that these feelings of anxiety and depression are not from making a dumb decision, but from letting fear and doubt take over my life. I don't have a plan when I get to Ohio. Get a job. Hopefully one I will enjoy. That literally is the extent of my planning. I feel like every time I plan any further, something else comes along and the entire plan is thrown out the window. Also, I might have made the decision but that does not mean it is getting any easier. 

Leaving behind amazing friends and a life I created over the last seven years was never going to be easy.

 It is damn hard. 

If you are still reading this, I do want to let you know I am not always having a pity party. I do know that there are people struggling with trials beyond my comprehension. I have been blessed with an amazing friend right now who has been so positive and uplifting every step of the way. He is constantly reminding me that I will be more than okay because the Lord is not going to leave me now, if anything I am going to feel Him closer than ever before. I have had parents who have supported me 100% and helped organize the chaos of it all. I don't know how people do it, go through life without believing in and relying on our Lord. I tried it once years ago and I have never been more miserable. As hard and as trying as this move is going to be, I already know I am a step ahead of my past. I am doing this with the Lord at my side who is so tenderly trying to help hold me as I walk and who will ever so gently pick me up when I fall and carry me the rest of the way. 

Pic Source: Deseret Book on Pinterest.com