My Friendship. My Support. My Love.

WARNING: I hate long blog post that ramble...but I have now done what I hate and have created the world's longest blog post. I tried to space it out and paragraph it but my blog is having some difficulties. I apologize.

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This post is one I have debated about doing for almost a year now and I feel like now is a time I need to get it done. No, I am not about to deliver an amazing world changing message or some crazy exciting news or some deep dark secret (I will keep those to myself, thanks. haha.) I am however going to try and share something very close to my heart and something that has taken me 20 plus years to build and still working on today. It was a huge challenge for me to post because it is so close to my heart and I wasn't sure how I felt slathering it all over the Internet, but I feel it is a message a few close people in my life need to to hear now and I hope it strengthens them.

About a year ago a young woman in my ward thanked me for my testimony and asked that I write a letter sharing my testimony to her younger sister who was having a troubling time and who had left the church. I wasn't sure how I liked the idea of sending a letter to a complete stranger but felt the need too and so I did. I printed an extra copy and put it in my journal for my own reference. Over the summer while in Europe a fellow classmate was having some doubts and trials of her own and I felt I should share the letter with her. Apparently it was exactly what she needed to hear and I hope it is still helping her on her life journey.

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To start, I have had a very blessed life with challenges I am sure most would laugh at because of the ease of them. They are trials and hardships though that have pushed me to my limits and ones that I have learned many lessons from and that have helped me build stronger and lasting relationships with family and close friends. Because of my trials I have also developed a deeper love, respect, and the utmost regard for others around me who I know are going through tough trials on their own. I lend my support and prayers to you.

My testimony is based off the simple knowledge that the savior loves you and me! I love this gospel and the countless blessings it has brought into my life. I was raised in the church with wonderful and supportive parents. However, I did not always do what was right, I did not always have a testimony, and I went through a really dark time in my life where I doubted everything and felt completely alone. I had just graduated high school and was moving on to the next phase in my life, college. In high school I was the quiet Mormon girl everyone looked up to because I was different and always stood by what I said. In college it was a different story, I no longer had people thinking it was cool to be moral and have standards and friends were dropping faster than flies. I tried to find the support in the student ward but couldn't find my place their either.

I got tired of trying so hard to be a good example. I got tired of being rejected. I got tired of not having a social life with peers my own age. I stopped going to church and reading the scriptures. I stopped praying and listening to my parents. In fact, I got annoyed with the church and my parents, "How could they possibly know what it was like to be me?". I was tired of them all saying you will get through it, it could be worse, it isn't that bad. I started hanging out with a rough crowd of friends but they seemed to care about me on the outside. Several times though I was abandoned by them for others or the party and drinking life. I decided I needed to do whatever I could to fit back in. I couldn't lose another group of friends. I started drinking and partying to fit back in with them, I felt I had the life, all I had to worry about was me and my friends. Life was a constant party and no one was going to stop us or tell us how to live.

While I seemed happy for a few months, I quickly learned I was more alone then ever before and even more miserable then I thought possible. I learned I was only being used and liked when it was convenient for them. I felt numb to it though because it was nice just to be surrounded with people and to have the outside world looking in thinking I was the coolest girl with the most amazing life ever. Inside though I didn’t understand why I was so alone and I was angry with everyone around me and craved to feel loved again. For me, this was my rock bottom.

On a random night I was a few hours from Columbus but decided to head home after avoiding it for weeks. I had stayed at my friend's apartments for awhile but after this particular night, I was in pain, hurting, and confused after a horrible night out with them. As I was driving I ended up pulling over to the side of the road, sobbing, crying to the lord, “Why me?, Why do I have to hurt like this?, Are you even there?” I can testify to you today that my prayer was answered.

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I was not alone, nor was I ever alone. The Lord does not, and will not abandon you; it is us that abandon the Lord. I have a testimony of the atonement of our savior, Jesus Christ. What an amazing gift he has given us! It was through the atonement I was able to be forgiven of my sins and try again. The atonement isn’t for just when we have sinned, but for times when we feel alone, tired, abandoned, hurt, or confused. Elder Holland said, “Divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us…Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so…we have great company – the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of His beloved son, the gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members, prophets, apostles, teachers, leaders and friends.” Even when we may feel alone we are not. The lord God and His son are ALWAYS there. John 14:18 says, “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.”

One of my biggest trials, as well as the cause of many of my trials, was the fact that I stopped praying. Satan got it in my head that no one was there to listen and if there was someone there, then I was no longer worthy to pray. I can testify that these are horrible and disgusting lies. I have a huge testimony of the power of prayer. It is what helped me gain a testimony of this gospel and the atonement. It helped me feel of the saviors love. Elder Packer stated in general conference, “One of the adversary’s sharpest tools is to convince us that we are no longer worthy to pray. No matter who you are or what you have done, you can always pray.” The moment Satan starts to whisper to us that we are not worthy, is when we need to drop to your knees in prayer. Our prayers will be answered. It does not take away all trials and hardships because that is why we were sent to earth, to endure, but it can help us endure and give us the strength to overcome the trails in our life.

There is a scripture I live by now to get me through the hard days and remind me that I am not alone and do have a purpose. D&C 122: 7-8, “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murders, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep, if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way and above all; if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The son of man hath descended below them all.” Christ knows what we are going through and understands us; He has been in our place and can comfort us. The Lord does not want us to suffer. That is why prayer is so important, so we can ask for help and be comforted.

I have a testimony of Joseph Smith and all he did for this gospel. What a wonderful man! I do believe he restored the gospel to this earth and gave us many wonderful and magnificent revelations. I have a testimony of the plan of salvation. What an amazing blessing to be with our families forever. I love my family dearly and appreciate all the sacrifices they have given so that I can be where I am today. If it wasn't for them, I would be utterly lost. I have a testimony of the power of fasting. Being in that weaken state at times has brought me closer to the Lord. I know the Book of Mormon to be true. What powerful words and advice it gives to help and guide us. I know we have a prophet on the earth today, President Monson. What a kind and amazing man! I am grateful for the modern day revelations he gives us.

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Many people have asked me, "Why the heck did you move to Utah?" "Why would you choose to be so far from your family?" The answer is I just needed to get away, far away from all temptations and pain. I needed to surround myself with positive and righteous examples and friends. I needed to grow up and mature in an environment where I could be on my own but not feel alone. Trials and challenges still happen every day, I am not perfect yet, nor will I be perfect in this life, but I can certainly strive to be like Christ and improve my life. People have also asked if I plan to stay in Utah or move out east. While I would love to eventually move outside of Utah again, my only answer is, I don't know. I don't know what is in store for me or where I will be in 10 years but I do know that if I trust in the lord, He will get me where I need to be.

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To my dear family members and friends who are having a hard time and trials that feel impossible, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope and pray you can one day see the gospel for its truths and feel of the Lords love for you. I ask that you pray and ask for help, companionship, and have your questions and doubts cleared up. I send you my friendship, my support, and my unwavering love.