real deal.

There is something about a REAL Christmas tree that is just majestic. Yes majestic. 

Maybe that is why a real tree just makes Christmas all the more magical and warm. I love the fresh pine smell it brings inside the home. I love the unique look that changes every year. I love how full the branches are with soft pine needles. 

Most of all, I love the tradition of going to the tree farm and picking our very own tree. One we deem worthy of the Gifford household and we can care for (and trust me, it is more care than you think. That tree can drink at least a gallon a day.)

My first vivid memory of the Christmas season goes back to my good ol' Texas years. I remember riding a huge hayride out to the Tree farm and walking around tons and tons of growing Christmas trees. I remember we would actually cut down our own tree and watch them shake it in the shaker. I would then get to go see Santa and ask for the best toys and get a candy cane and hot cocoa. It was always so fun and loved the time spent with my cousins and siblings. 

It is totally worth the work though when the house is silent, a mug of hot cocoa sits in my hands and all the lights are off but the Christmas tree lights. Majestic.

Aren't the little trees just so cute?!

My sister and I tease my mom about this one, but she really does just look so happy!

family pictures.

As most of you know this Christmas is going to be the first time in five years my entire family has been together for the Holidays! It is about to get crazy up in the Gifford's household! I am so stoked and as the season approaches I am getting more and more excited. It is going to be a good holiday, I can just feel it.

With this joyous occasion we are going to be lucky enough to do something I wish my family has done more of growing up, family pictures! I think I am just as excited for the pictures as I am for Christmas, if not more. I just love pictures and some of my favorite kind are family pictures. Rarely do you get the opportunity to see an entire family together really enjoying each others company and then be able to freeze the moment forever to look back on and cherish. I love seeing who looks like who or knowing one person like a friend or co-worker, but then seeing them in a picture with their family and it just makes me realized how blessed we are to be part of such a wonderfully and divinely planned unit.

I guess I am a little biased as I did graduate with a degree in family studies, but I just love families! It is the one place someone can be completely 100% themselves and be loved to the moon and back. It is where we can feel safe and secure in the midst of a troubled world. It is where we can go when we need help or advice. My sisters have become my most trusted confidants, the only people that know every detail of my life; my secrets, worries, concerns, fears, goals, hopes, and future dreams. My siblings have become the people I can go to when I just need to feel silly or goofy like hiding under beds waiting to scare your sister, or watching the Walking Dead marathon, or duct taping your brother like a taco in a blanket and rolling him down the stairs, or have sing-offs and epic dance battles, or just being together, knowing you are not alone in this world.

I know one too many very close friends who have not been as lucky to have a wonderful family life or support system growing up. However, as they have grown up and made it through such trials, they have created their own family unit of amazing friends or spouses and their own children. I hope everyone is able to feel the love of a family, no matter the form it comes in. If you don't, come find me and I will be happy to be your big sister, little sister, grandma, aunt, or mom, whatever you need.

2000: Oh the bangs. haha.

Christmas 2004

2008.

2008.

Because we are that cool. You just might want to make that video right down there fullscreen. It is that epic.



I have had a few friends ask me recently about my spiritual beliefs when it comes to family. While I have already shared with them my thoughts and feelings of families being eternal, I wanted to share a few links to videos that I thought summed up my beliefs beautifully:

Families are Forever

Spending Time With Family

still here.

A friend recently asked me where the heck I have been lately and why I haven't updated the blog or called or written and such. I explained to him there just wasn't anything to tell, my life is pretty mundane right now and I have nothing to share. There is nothing people want to know or that I am necessarily proud of. It's just life and I am going day to day with the usual.

Well he kindly but firmly reminded me that I need to be staying in touch, even if my blog post is only a few sentences long, or our phone calls or only to say hi. He also reminded me that no matter how mundane I may feel my life is, people still care to know and some are still learning from my experiences. I was honored to hear that he has always looked to me as an example and source of valued advice, especially now more than ever as he will soon move on to his next stage of life that is following a path very similar to mine. It was a nice reminder that I am loved and I was very touched. Thank you.

As for my life, I have fallen into a pretty simple routine. I am working as a toddler teacher full-time at a Primrose School. I have mixed feelings about the job. I do love it, and I have really enjoyed getting to know the ladies I work with, they are all pretty awesome. I can tell already though, it is something I do not want to be doing the rest of my life. I know I want to be working with older children down the road. I love the schools curriculum and goals and I can see myself moving up and possibly being a curriculum coordinator in the very long future. One day at a time I guess. One thing I have learned is plans and goals are always changing because you never know what life has in store for you, so I am trying to keep them simple until I really figure out where I fit in.

Since I am working full time I usually don't get home till 6:30 or so, eat dinner, do some reading, catch a favorite TV show, clean, then off to bed. I wake up at 7:00 and do it all over again. That literally is my life right now. Thrilling I know. haha.

I attend a young single adults ward down on OSU campus and everyone I have met has been friendly and welcoming. I was recently called as the temple preparation teacher and I am pretty excited about that. Since I live a good 25-30 minutes from most people in the ward I haven't really gotten to know anyone yet. By the time I get off work I usually am not in the mood to drive 30 minutes to an activity that I am walking into alone. I HATE going to social events where I don't know anyone. I'll save that little experience for another day.

Well that's my life in a tiny nutshell. In all honesty, no it is not how I want it to be right now and no it is not my plan but, life is good. I am blessed and things will work out. It just takes time.

sunday thoughts.

This is a shorter version of a talk I prepared for church last Sunday. A few people asked for a copy of my talk so I figured I would just post here. I was asked to speak on James E. Faust October 2006 General Conference talk, Discipleship.

*****

There is a favorite primary song in our church that starts;

"I'm trying to be like Jesus,

I'm following in His ways,

I'm trying to love as He did, in all that I do and say..."

These words resonate something in me. They resonate something in each of us.

Why? Because as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are doing just that; we are trying to be like Christ and follow his example. In doing so we become disciples of our lord.

But what is discipleship? In the October 2006 general conference, James E. Faust answered this question:

"It is primarily obedience to the Savior. Discipleship includes many things. It is chastity. It is tithing. It is family home evening. It is keeping all the commandments. It is forsaking anything that is not good for us. It emphasizes price or exercise. Self-discipline and self-control are consistent and permanent characteristics of the followers of Jesus."

When I think of disciples, I immediately think of Peter, James, John, and others that were with Christ during His ministry on earth. What Ii need to remember is that each of us is a disciple. When we decided to obey and follow the Savior.

How great of a calling we each have then!

When I was reading Faust talk, He made me realize how important this calling is for each of us to carry.

"True follower of the Savior should be prepared to lay down their lives, and some have been privileged to do so."

In Doctrine and Convents section 103: 27-28, we learn of revelation given through Joseph Smith on February 24, 1834. Parly P. Pratt and Lyman Wight came to Kirtland from Missouri seeking help and counsel from the prophet. Persecutions of the saints in Jackson County were growing and they didn't know what to do.

"Let no man be afraid to lay down his life for my sake; for whoso layeth down his life for my sake shall find it again. And whoso is not willing to lay down his life for my sake is not my disciple."

Faust goes on to tell of this story about Edward Partridge, the first bishop of the church:

"On July 20, 1833, Edward was sitting at home with his frail wife, who had just given birth. Three mobsters burst in and dragged him into the street and then in to the square, where they had already taken Charles Allen. A mob of about 300 demanded through their spokesman that Edward and Charles either renounce their faith in the Book of Mormon or leave the county. Edward Partridge responded: 'If I must suffer for my religion, it is no more than others have done before me. I am not conscious of having injured anyone in the county and therefore will not consent to leave. I have done noting to offend anyone. If you abuse me, you are injuring an innocent man.' The mob then daubed Edward and Charles from head to foot with hot tar containing pear-ash, a flesh eating acid, and then threw feathers that stuck tot eh burning tar.

The prophet Joseph Smith characterized Edward's death in these words: 'He lost his life in consequence of the Missouri persecutions, and he is one of that number whose blood will be required at their hands.' Edward Partridge left a legacy that lives on in an large and righteous posterity."

Including Joseph Smith and Hyrum Smith, there are countless other faithful members, disciples, who have laid down their lives for this Gospel. What an amazing legacy of faith and courage that has been paved before us to follow! Now today, in our society, most of us will never be asked or required to give up our life for the church. But as Faust says,

"What is required is not to die for the church, but to live for it. For many, living a Christlike life every day may be even more difficult than laying down one's life."

 In our society today we will likely be asked to sacrifice something entirely different:

Maybe it is giving up that cup of coffee every morning. Maybe it is a missed night out with friends because of their media choices. Maybe it is losing hours at work so you could be to church on Sunday. Maybe finances are suddenly tight and that 10% tithe seems a lot harder this month.

Or maybe it is something bigger:

Losing your job entirely because you didn't agree with that morals of the company. Maybe it is breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend because they won't go to the temple with you to be sealed. Maybe it is an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or pornography that make it struggle just to get through the day without giving in. Maybe it is finding out you are unable to have children and you can't understand or see the plan Heavenly Father has for you instead. Maybe it is losing your entire family because they are not ready for the truth of this Gospel. Maybe you are struggling with an en-ailment or life threatening disease that won't allow you to live a care-free and normal life. Maybe you are feeling completely and utterly alone.

Brothers and sisters, I  don't know what sacrifices the Lord has asked you to make, what trials you are having to face. I do not mention these examples lightly because every one of them is someone who is very dear in my life or something I am struggling with personally. I do not mean to say I know exactly what you are going through, no one's burdens are light to carry and you are the one to carry them. But I can tell you the one thing that I do know. You are not alone. The Lord is ALWAYS there to help you.

 The primary song I spoke of earlier continues:

"At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice."

Satan is still around. He is still adding his two cents into our lives. So we may slip up, commit a sin, or two, or ten. Faust gives us words of hope:

"It is never too late to change. Discipleship does not come from positions of prominence, wealth, or advanced learning. The disciples of Jesus Christ come from all walks of life. However, discipleship does require us to forsake evil transgression and enjoy what President Spencer W. Kimball has called 'the miracle of forgiveness.' "

When speaking of the Atonement, my favorite words come from the April 2009 General Conference where Elder Jeffery R. Holland spoke of this amazing gift to each of us. When I heard him speak, I was in a point in my  life where I was choosing to not be a disciple of the Lord. I had decided it was to hard, to much was being asked of me, it hurt to much to suffer through what trials I was facing. I felt it was easier just to do things my way.

"Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly along, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path--the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of that Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are...

My other plea...is that these scenes of Christ's lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosa in our present day...may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear...may we stand by Jesus Christ 'at all times and in all things and in all places that we may be in, even until death,' for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone."

The primary song ends:

"Love one another as Jesus loves you,

Try to show kindness in all that you do;

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

As disciples of Christ, we need to follow his example. Faust gave several examples of lessons we can take away from Christ ministry, these are the ones that I feel are most important.

We call all do something good every day-whether that is for a family member, friend, co-worker, or completely stranger. Be the good you want to see around you. Look for those opportunities to serve. Second, we can seek out those who are lost or lonely-befriend them. We were not meant to go through this life alone, why do you think the Lord has surround you and I with so many people? We are here to support one another and lift each other. Brighten someones day by talking to them and wanting to sincerely know how there day is going. Have compassion. Lastly, remember that you are a disciple and you can "stand as a witness of God at all times."

Like I have done before, many will think this is too hard. The price of discipleship is too expensive. How is this all worth it?

When we are obedient, we receive the strength needed to find happiness and fulfillment in our lives. Don't forget Holland's words, we are never alone. Discipleship can bring comfort, peace, and joy. As Faust taught us,

"Through discipleship of the Savior, we come to know and believe in our hearts and minds the saving principles and ordinance of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Through discipleship, we come to appreciate the profound mission of the Prophet Joseph Smith in restoring those saving principles in our time. Discipleship brings purpose to our lives so that rather than wandering aimlessly, we walk steadily on that straight and narrow way that leads us back to our Heavenly Father."

I can't think of a better reward and blessing than eternal life with my family and my Heavenly Father. I want to be able to return to Him and be able to say. "I was and I am your devoted disciple."

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

golden birthday.

Turned 26 years old.

My birthday is the 26th of August.

That makes it my golden birthday.

Apparently that is a big deal. 

If that means being at a point in my life I never thought I would be, than I guess it's true...It's a big deal.

I guess this "golden birthday" comes on the day most of my friends return to classes at USU, reminders that my parents were already married and just about to have their first child at my age, a day off work because I am currently unemployed, and the realization that I have no idea what is to come.

I have officially moved back to Ohio. The one state I vowed to never live in again. I didn't know saying good-bye could be so hard. I have done it before but this time was different. This time it came with a deep pain and feeling like I was suffocating and had no one to blame but myself. When I moved at 8, it was a fun adventure to be going where all my extended family and Mormons lived. When I moved at 16, I had my parents to push all the blame on to for "destroying" my teenage years. When I moved at 20, I had my unhealthy addictions and disloyal friends to take the fall for "forcing" me to leave. 

This time is different. This time it is all me. It is my decision. It is my choosing to leave behind all that I know to be good and comfortable to follow a prompting. I guess the big fear lies in the unknown. I don't know what Ohio has in store for me or why I need to be here. I am trying my best to not live in the past, to embrace the present, and to look forward to the future with faith. 

I have said it before and I will say it again, I have a stud of a family who has supported me 100% of the time and helped every step of the way. I have an amazing group of friends that did not make it easy to leave, but let me know they will be there for me still. I was constantly in awe the last few weeks in Logan, every time a friend heard I was moving, they greeted the news with surprise and sorrow. I knew my friends cared about me but the amount of encouraging letters, gifts, pictures, and kind words said to me always left me speechless. I never knew I had such an impact on others and was such an example. I was stunned to see I did have a positive impact on so many people and hope it was like that for anyone that has ever crossed my path. They all definitely left a huge imprint on my life and I am so humbled that they were willing to share their friendship with me.

Above all, I have a Heavenly Father who has not left me comfortless during this time. He has shown me time and time again how blessed I truly am and offered me support and love through the people I am surrounded by, the words of prophets facing similar trials of faith in the scriptures, priesthood blessings, personal prayer, and the solace and peace of the temple. 

Maybe this really is a "golden birthday". Not in the sense of being the funnest or best (let's face it. It is not.), but the start of something exciting and new. It is not going to be easy. I know there are more trials to come, but I can't wait to see what is in store.  To feel the pleasure and joy one day at knowing I did everything my Heavenly Father asked of me and he is pleased with my effort.

Thank you to all my amazing friends and family for your support and belief in me. I hope I can live up to your standards and continue to be an amazing example, like you all are to me.

**Warning: Picture overload! There are a lot of people I wanted to recognize and love!**

My amazing parents! Love you!

My lovely little sister Jessica Sizemore

My beautiful best friend and cherished roommate Brittani Doney

My gorgeous best friend and fellow Ohioan Kylie Smith

My rock and good friend Blake Bowen

My partner in crime and best friend Kristen Hellwig

My sweetest best friend Aly Moffett and the most patient stud Bryan Groll

My adorable best friend Camille Ostler

My fun loving studs Ryan McLeod and Oisin Tong

My best friend and only trusted fellow decorator Deanna Lamont

My always cute and fun loving friend Kim Inkley

My 'lil brother' Kyler McPherson

My tender spirited best friend Megan Sheldon

My New York sister from another mister A-Will! (Alyssa Williams)

My Idaho crazy BFABB friend Jamie Clarke

My long lost and stunning best friend of USU Kristina Sanders

My friend who opened up her home to me for the summer and has one of the most contagious laughs Cara Spendlove

My Old Farm roommates turned best friends Kelsey, Shirelle, Crystal, and Amanda

My first college roommate and crazy best friend Jordan Haynes Clark

My freshman fabulous Liz, Kelsey, and Laura

My uncle Noal and Aunt Leslie. I would not have been able to experience my Utah journey without their tremendous help my first year. Some of the best people you will ever meet!

My cousin Clarissa Law. So so so many great memories because of her crazy photo shoots! She always had a listening ear and helped guide me through the ins and outs of USU.

and to ALL the other amazing friends and family who impacted my life in the most remarkable way!

On to Ohio. Again.

I have avoided this post like the plague. 

I have gone to write it, then rewrite it time and time again only to stop half way and shut off my computer.

I think that if this post really does happen, if I share to everyone what my next step is, it is actually happening. 

I don't know if I am quite ready for it yet.

But here goes, guess life just doesn't have a pause button, at least not when you want it.

*****

I am moving to Ohio.

There. I said it. Like ripping off a band-aid quickly. It has been a decision that has been long in the process and it has come time for me to follow through with it and just do it. So as of August 21st I will be back in Ohio. What a surreal feeling. When people ask me what the heck I am thinking or what has prompted this move, I honestly don't know what to tell them other than it just feels like the right step.

 Can you have two complete opposite feelings at the same time? Because I do. All the time.  

I love Utah! I love everything about this place. I love all the people I have met. I love how beautiful it is. I love the weather. I love every ward I have been in. I love how strong the church is here. I love everything you can do here. I love that I actually know how to get around. Utah is comfortable to me. Utah is safe for me. Utah is home for me. When people ask where I am moving to, I tell them, "Oh back to Ohio" or "back with my parents for a bit." Because I just can't bring myself to call Ohio home, not when I have spent so many years working to make Utah my home. 

To be honest, I am tired of moving. I have done it my whole life. I think the longest I have ever stayed in one place was eight years...that is a record! Usually only in a place for four or five years and then I am off again. So when I moved back out to Utah for school, I was determined I was going to make this place my home. Did't matter if I was married with a small family in a small town or single and working my dream job in the city, this was going to be my final stop. This was going to be where I created and nourished all my memories to come.

 Over the last few months I have received tender mercy after tender mercy leading me to Ohio though and as scared and as sad as it makes me, I feel strangely at peace with it all. I tried to make moving to Salt Lake work. I then tried to make staying in Logan work. To this day I still feel like either one is a great option and nothing bad would come of it. But I was never at peace with those decisions. I always felt anxious and nervous and so confused and out of place. The moment I realized I decided to move back to Ohio I was so calm and felt like this is going to work. Ohio is where I am needed now.

Of course I have a whole new set of nerves and anxiety setting in because I feel nervous and sad at the exact same time I feel calm and ready. I have panic attacks on a weekly basis and yet I continue to start packing, turn in my two weeks, and buy my plane ticket. That is so not normal, right? haha. I guess that is why it took me so long to accept this idea.

I know now though that these feelings of anxiety and depression are not from making a dumb decision, but from letting fear and doubt take over my life. I don't have a plan when I get to Ohio. Get a job. Hopefully one I will enjoy. That literally is the extent of my planning. I feel like every time I plan any further, something else comes along and the entire plan is thrown out the window. Also, I might have made the decision but that does not mean it is getting any easier. 

Leaving behind amazing friends and a life I created over the last seven years was never going to be easy.

 It is damn hard. 

If you are still reading this, I do want to let you know I am not always having a pity party. I do know that there are people struggling with trials beyond my comprehension. I have been blessed with an amazing friend right now who has been so positive and uplifting every step of the way. He is constantly reminding me that I will be more than okay because the Lord is not going to leave me now, if anything I am going to feel Him closer than ever before. I have had parents who have supported me 100% and helped organize the chaos of it all. I don't know how people do it, go through life without believing in and relying on our Lord. I tried it once years ago and I have never been more miserable. As hard and as trying as this move is going to be, I already know I am a step ahead of my past. I am doing this with the Lord at my side who is so tenderly trying to help hold me as I walk and who will ever so gently pick me up when I fall and carry me the rest of the way. 

Pic Source: Deseret Book on Pinterest.com

little things.

Few things I have learned these last few weeks that I think are vital to life:

1. It is the little things that matter most.

2. It is the amazing people I have surrounded myself with to feel uplifted and loved that matter most.

 3. Life is good. I am so blessed and I strive to see that everyday.

It has not been my easiest year, and a lot of challenges I didn't think I would have to deal with are coming along.

I do a great job at avoiding. If I don't like it or don't have time to deal with it, I  ignore it. I also do a great job of masking things. Just put on a smile and act like nothing is wrong and it will just go away, it has too.

This post was not meant to be a complaint, we all have problems and today I don't want the focus to be on mine. Instead I need to share my thank yous and my gratitude to those amazing people that do little acts of service that remind me I am loved. The people that see past my mask and avoidance and help me deal with life. The people who have served me. You make life worth it.

Thank you to the friend who left me flowers by my bed.

Thank you to the friend that surprised me with Diet Coke. Most people have blood in their veins...I have Diet Coke in mine.

Thank you to the friend that took me to the driving range. Hitting a few golf balls...hard...really is a great release.

Thank you to the artists who have some powerful music. A good jam session really can speak to your soul and heal your heart.

Thank you to the co-worker that feels my frustration and will rant with me till we are blue in the face. Sometimes you just need a good vent. She has become one of my dearest friends.

Thank you to the friend that always has a listening ear, and then will give me the reality check I need.

Thank you to the author of an amazing new book series. It is nice to get lost for a few hours in another world.

Thank you to the friend that answers her phone at 2:00am to talk me out of another panic attack.

Thank you to the friend that gave me the hug, even when I tried to avoid it.

Thank you to the friend that let me serve them instead, so I can remember to think of others and not dwell on myself.

Most of all I am thankful for a merciful and loving Heavenly Father who has never given up on me. For giving me a gospel that serves as the perfect compass for my life. I hope when people spend time with me, they are left feeling better and loved. Because I know the wonderful people around me have done just that. I hope I have, and continue to, serve those around me, so we can all feel like this life is as good as it really is.

image source: pinterest.com